Christmas Eve 2018

Another Christmas Eve has come upon us and quite quickly I might add. It seems to go fast especially when you are a mom. Before this month even began, I wasn't really looking forward to the season of Christmas. I don't hate Christmas, I just felt differently about how to handle it. Even ten years ago, I would stress myself out to get so much done in a short amount of time. The whole process of making sure to get to all the various family gatherings, the work, school, and church parties. The shopping, and the baking and the cooking, and the wrapping. It would exhaust me and that 's not what God would want me to experience on the day of Jesus' birth. I will admit I miss certain aspects of those days and I certainly miss seeing Grant's excitement and joy on Christmas morning when he was little. I miss a few of our own family traditions, like getting a Lego Advent calendar for Grant, putting Elliot the Elf in random locations and leaving notes for Grant on his behavior.  Baking homemade peanut better cookies an placing them on a plate with a glass of milf for Santa a.k. a Bill (because he worked at night.  I remember the Christmas when G was two years old, I stayed up until 2am putting together a Little Tykes police car Coupe. Bill was at work that night and I was soexhaudrec but guess what?? I did it and he used that little car for the next two years. What we do to make sure our kids enjoy and love Christmas??!!

Now that I have a teenager, the gifts under the tree are wrapped in smaller packages but cost a lot more money, lol! Isn't that how it goes as your kid(s) get older? The only thing I refuse to buy him is video games or anything that is associated with them. He can save or earn money to blow money on all that. This year, my new tradition with him is to write him a letter expressing to him my love and commitment on being his only parent. He may not appreciate it now but I know as the years pass by, my words to him will stick in his brain and he will know deep down that I have always tried to do the best I can with and for him. I have admitted to him my poor decisions and apologized for my mistakes. I think one day he will come to understand & appreciate that parents are not perfect. 

In the past three years, after Bill died, my mom, Grant and I have went to Hermitage Hills Baptist church for Christmas Eve service. After Genesis came into our world in 2016, Grant and I went to our home church for service. But as of the past two years, its been our own special blended family tradition to go to an early Christmas Eve service. 

Today, we went to the 2pm service and Genni was for the most part pretty good considering she is two and half y.o. She mostly wanted to eat and talk, imagine that??? By the way, she LOVES her Bubba a.k.a. Grant. And, she loves Santa! She sings "Jingle Bells" and her most recent obsession is to say "Whst's That?". As she has grown, her humor and habits are beyond comical! So very much like Grant it becomes deja vu'!!!

As much as I really miss having that "traditional" family and seeing most of my friends on FB with their spouses, kids, grandkids, etc. I have to admit that the peacefulness and quiet I have now is somehow invaluable. Now that I am getting older, I truly can pick and choose what I want to stress me out and it is for sure NOT Christmas. I planned ahead a little for the "extras" but all in all, I surely wont' be up until 2:00am! 

I really love Christmas and I know that each year will bring different circumstances and situations and feelings. Change is hard and I know that each of us is experiencing change is a variety of different ways. 

As I close, I will say that yes, this year has been challenging BUT I am ever so grateful that my son is healthy and becoming a really great young man, I am ever so thankful for my support system, those who love me and encourage me, or shoot me straight with honesty covered in love and loyalty. I am super blessed with friends and church family that goes before God in prayer on behalf of Genesis and the circumstances that surround her precious little life. I am thankful for the experiences and the lessons that I have learned this year to help me become what God has intended for me to be. I will be at the front of the line to admit that I am far beyond perfect, I know my flaws, my mistakes, my "perfectionistic" tendencies. I am working on that with much help from a therapist and my closest peeps, lo

I hope that if you read this, you know that I love you in my own special way. I may not have given you a material gift, but if I have given you my time, my thought, my prayer, or my presence, that is my  gift to you.

Merry Christmas Eve! 

~LoveYaMeanIt~

Thanksgiving 2018

It's Thanksgiving, again. If you know me, I am not a fan of this holiday. I have always believed and felt that thankfulness should be practiced daily. I was home most of the day I didn't make any grand plans to be with family. My mom and the baby were both sickly so I definitely didn't want to catch whatever crud they were dealing with. I could have gone over to Cindy's for dinner with the whole clan but I just didn't feel like putting on a fake happy face. 
I was reflecting internally on why I feel the way I do about today. I honestly cannot remember the last Thanksgiving that really made me over the moon happy. Maybe 2011 if I had to guess. I can appreciate that the point of this holiday is to be around family, those near and far and to share a meal and catch up on each others' lives. Now that I am a single mom of one, my family is quite small. I didn't have plans to go our and about but a friend of mine asked me to go by her house and check on her dogs and Grant wanted to brace GameStop for a discounted game. So, we got in the car and took a little drive. I noticed houses along the way that had several cars parked on the street or  parked in the yards and wondered if one day, that might be my house in the future. I suppose that's what makes me a little sad on Thanksgiving. I don't have a huge family to invite over, cook for, laugh with, debate with, watch football with, share stories with, I can only pray that one day I will and if I don't, I will have to figure out something else to do besides feel sorry for myself, lol. 

When we were in the car today, Grant said, "Four years ago, I was with Daddy and we went to eat at Logans and then we went shopping at Toys R Us, and he lost his wallet and we were both freaking out". I didn't really say anything other thatn, "I am sorry your dad isn't here today to spend the day with you." 

I had made some crockpot chicken and rice soup yesterday and fropped off a big bowl of it to my mom, visited with her and Genni for about 45 min and then we came home. I put a small ham in the crockpot and made crescent rolls and that was our dinner. It's not all terrible, tomorrow evening I am going to participate in my first "Friendsgiving" and hang out with my girlfriends and play silly games. So that's the bright side. 


Don't get me wrong, I am thankful. When I think about how bad it COULD be, it's better that I am in this phase of life and I could have it so much worse. Reminds me of something I read a few years ago, "If we all put our own problems in a pile, we would pick ours back up and be grateful". 

So, the day is almost over. The only Black Friday, I plan to do is go to Lowes and see about getting a new dishwasher! Yay Me! OHH! and possible a new t.v. The one I have in bedroom has decided to not produce volume. It is four years old and not the greatest of brands and technically, I didn't pay for it so when I trash it, I won't feel bad. 

~loveyameanit~

January is OvaH!!

Whew! I am sorta glad to see January leave and hope February goes not too fast but not to slow either. 
The past four years when January rolls in, it's like I wish I was a bear and could hibernate until the first day of Spring. This January has been kinder to me than I expected. I started off going back to my Doctor and getting a physical and switching up my depression medication. That was a good idea and I can tell it's better and working on lessening my anxiety about the beginning of every year. I have certain reasons why I struggle with these two beginning months of the year. I won't go into that now. It's just always been a struggle to cope. 
Just a few highlights from January-
* New Years Day was spent at home doing nothing and spending time with Grant
*School was out for six days because of extremely cold weather and eventually snow. Grant was happy about that. 
*I had a client job for Pentermann and took a really nice lady to the hospital for a medical procedure and we talked about a common thread we had which was being a widow and it was good to get to know her.
*I had a date on January 23 and it was the best date I had in a very very long time. We have since seen each other four more times and have decided to be exclusive and see how things go. He's a great guy and I could go on and on about him but just know he's been an answer to my prayers. 
*Grant and I have been having great conversations about a variety of different things and he's maturing. It's a blessing that he's turning out to be a well rounded kid. I still worry about him but he's on a good track. 

So, I guess I can accept that not every January is going to be difficult and challenging. That is good news for me!

A day late.....

Friday Follow Up #2 Sunday is always busy. It used to not be. That was until last July when I enrolled G into drum lessons. Those lessons are now on Sundays at 3:30pm on the dot. I'm up at 7am to get dressed and ready for church, out the door by 9am, pick up Punky at mom's and head to church This week, I took Geni for the day so my mom could catch up on sleep, get some cleaning done and go to the grocery store without distraction. I reveled in those days when Grant was little and I could escape and peruse the aisles endlessly until I felt prepared enough to return home. We left to head to lessons and while G was at lessons, I hurriedly went to Macy's to look and try to find a new purse. No luck! After lessons, I dropped Grant st home, took Geni back to my mom, and went to the Dollar store to grab a few things. I realized before walking in that I left my wallet in her diaper bag, so I trapsed back to get my wallet. I think i was home by 6pm and I was spent! I just wanted to sit down and not do one more thing for anyone, lol. Monday cane quick and I had it in my head to REALLY get all the Christmas decor out away. No such luck. Grant called me from the bus to say he forgot his lunch EVEN after I reminded him to make sure he got it. I ended up getting the dishes from the weekend loaded into dishwasher, pitting in some laundry, folding towels and whites, and ran to school to deliver a lunch box. That was his free pass for the year. I went to Wal mart to see about ordering new contacts but my RX is expired. Therefore, I need to make an eye Dr. appt to get an exam and new script. It's been raining here and dreadfully cold. I picked up just the necessities and stopped off at mom's to deliver toilet paper and puffs pet request. Cane home and finished folding laundry and made dinner for G. We have an evening ritual of watching Jeopardy together and other mutually agreed upon t.v. I decided Sort a last minute to join some people in Smyrna to watch the GA vs. AL game. I'm trying to branch out and go out of my comfort zone to meet other people other than those who I'm close to. It was fun and intense because the game was a nail biter. I got home later than I wanted and ended up falling asleep in the recliner. I only got about 3 hours of sleep because the pupster, Odie, had a grooming appointment at 7am. What was I thinking?? I had to be yo anyway in time to make an 8am Dr. appt. Blood work, med check, etc.... By the time I was done with that, Odie was done. Scooped him up, came home to eat breakfast, take a shower and dozed on & off until noon. My "nephew" who will be 2 next month is visiting grandma ( Melody-my sister from another mister) and I agreed to watch him while she worked. He got here around 1pm and we watched Netflix and I got him to take a late nap @ 4pm. Grant got home from school, I made dinner and played with Chrstipher. Put him in the tub and watched him play. Waiting on Melody to come from work to get him. Grant is good with litttles, but he is not ready to be one on one with them for extended periods of time I guess that's just how teen boys are. They see toddlers as annoying for the most part. Melody arrived and we all hung out for a bit. I headed to my cold sheets and down comforter and finally exhaled and was gone in seconds. Thursday, I decided to go and get my nails done. It's the one thing I'm committed to when it comes to self care. Besides, if I didn't have these pretty nails, they would be destroyed because I'm a horrible nail biter. I picked up some lunch at Panera and cane home to wait for Christopher. We played and watched Zootopia for the third time and his parents picked him right in time for me to head out for dinner with my friends. There was no school on Friday so the G and I basically stayed in and did nothing. We are so boring on snow days, Lol!

Friday Follow Up #1

It's the first Friday of 2018 y'all! Did you have anything exciting happen?
Meh....me neither.
Grant and I spent New Years at home ALL DAY!
It was nice though to just chill and hang out. It's bitter cold here so spending time outdoors is on the short list of things we are NOT doing.
Tuesday, we rode shot-gun with Grammy to go run an errand and ended up grabbing lunch at Cracker Barrel.
I was misinformed about when G was to go back to school. I thought it was Thursday the 4th but it was actually Wednesday the 5th. He was not too happy about it but such is life.
I had a terrible time going to sleep Tuesday night and I think i fell asleep around 2am. Grant overslept....lovely....but he managed to scramble and get to the bus on time. I headed over to Mom's to watch Punky while she went out for a bit. We played hard and I love spending time with her. Her hugs and her giggled just have a way of bringing me so much joy.
I went to Melody for lunch because she had a 2 hour break between shifts at the airport. It was good to catch up and have some girl time. I had to run by McKendree and drop off payment for William and check in on him.
On Thursday, there was a 2 hour delay for school and Grant woke me up at 7:15am asking me what time he should get ready for school....really, dude?...go back to sleep for awhile lol
I spent the day trying to catch up on some housekeeping and going through mail. I'm terrible at checking my mail. Most of its trash anyway right?
Today, I went to church to take down the Christmas tree and decorations. Came home and began a search for a document that I know I have but haven't seen it in four years. Sometimes, I get frustrated with myself because when I go to look for something, I can place it in my head but for the life of me, I can't physically locate it, ggrr... But the highlight of my search is I found my teeth whitening molds that I thought might have fell in the trash. I know, exciting huh? TMI perhaps?
So week one of 2018 is in the books!

Coming out of the Dark

Welcome to my new blog. Life at 524! It's not a catchy title but a year ago, I wanted to start a new blog and never got around to it but the title was suggested by a close friend of mine. 

I have another blog that I've had forever but I wanted a fresh start considering it is a brand new year. I wanted to write something profound and thought provoking but nothing really came to me until I remembered an interview I watched on CBS Sunday Morning with the singer Gloria Estefan. If my memory serves me right, she was in a tour bus accident in the late 90's. She was hospitalized with an extensive back injury and had metal rods placed in her back. I only know that because I had metal rods in my back from scoliosis at age 11. Anyway, she left the music scene for quite sometime to recover from this difficult and almost debilitating accident. When she finally decided to make her comeback debut, she sang a song at the Grammys called, "Coming out of the Dark". 

It was just a few short days ago that it hit me, I'm coming out of the dark too. I am slowly seeing the tiny specks of light from the bottom of the deep well of grief and loss. For those that might not know me personally, I have had more experiences of loss and grief than most people I know. 

In a span of four years, I decided to end my marriage, struggled to keep my sanity, thought I was going to lose my house, witnessed the decline of my dads health, grappled with my own demons, checked myself into a psych hospital for six days because life was so unbearable and anxiety and depression was consuming every fiber of my being. I tried to rescue my estranged husband from killing himself with alcohol, moving him three times, stood by him when he had to have a left leg amputation from a severe fall, managed two households financially, watched my dad slip away in a hospital room, tended to the needs of an aging father-in-law who has no other family and ultimately, like I predicted would become a widow. Yep, talk about being in the dark. Very very dark. 

I don't write all that to get sympathy votes. I write so that if somehow someone comes across my blog, they can relate in a small way and maybe glean a bit of hope that there is and will be light again. 

Last year, 2017, was much better than I expected. It was not however, without some struggles or even a bit of sadness. I cam say that it was filled with much more love, joy, peace, and reflection. I had the chance of a lifetime and travelled to Paris, France. I will tell you that I'm so in love with everything Paris, especially the Eiffel Tower! Grant & I spent a lot of time at Nashville Shores. He entered the tumultuous teen years on July 1st. We threw a Minnie Mouse 1st birthday party for Punky (I'll tell you who she is in future posts). We took a vacation to Orange Beach, AL with PawPaw and Grammy and Punky..... . .thar was super fun and super stressful. I turned 40 and rented a pontoon boat to cruise around the lake with the people who have stood by me, through the good, the bad, & the ugly! I had to decide to put my father-in-law in a nursing home because he could no longer function without additional help & support. Grant & I went to Orlando and experienced The Wizarding World of Harry Potter and even though I believe he had fun, I realized a lot more how I'm way too old to do that on a singular basis. 

The Punky was gone from our family for ninety days and every day I prayed with desperation that God would return her to our little family. On November 6th, a Monday, when I was at Grants band concert, I got the message that the Punkster was coming back ho,e to my mom and us. The last time I think I cried with overwhelming joy was when Grant was born. I solidly remember the expression on Grants face when I told him Pumky was coming home and I have pictures to capture those sweet and precious moments when Punky recognized her "Bubby". 

The holidays brought to us the peace, the quiet, and the reminder that love and family is so important and I am so blessed. 

So, coming out of the dark has been beyond hard, more challenging and difficult than I ever thought but as 2018 has arrived, I cling to the fact that I see the light, a shimmering spectacle of hope that I will be ok and that the plans I know God has for me are far greater than I could ever hope for. 

If you're in the darkness and you feel or think that there will never be light, I need you to know that it's there. Reach out to those who love you the most, when you think you can't return from the darkness, plead to God that you need Him and to reveal to you who will understand. It might even be me because I've been there, I know it and I understand. 

Cheers to 2018 and coming out of the dark.