I have another blog that I've had forever but I wanted a fresh start considering it is a brand new year. I wanted to write something profound and thought provoking but nothing really came to me until I remembered an interview I watched on CBS Sunday Morning with the singer Gloria Estefan. If my memory serves me right, she was in a tour bus accident in the late 90's. She was hospitalized with an extensive back injury and had metal rods placed in her back. I only know that because I had metal rods in my back from scoliosis at age 11. Anyway, she left the music scene for quite sometime to recover from this difficult and almost debilitating accident. When she finally decided to make her comeback debut, she sang a song at the Grammys called, "Coming out of the Dark".
It was just a few short days ago that it hit me, I'm coming out of the dark too. I am slowly seeing the tiny specks of light from the bottom of the deep well of grief and loss. For those that might not know me personally, I have had more experiences of loss and grief than most people I know.
In a span of four years, I decided to end my marriage, struggled to keep my sanity, thought I was going to lose my house, witnessed the decline of my dads health, grappled with my own demons, checked myself into a psych hospital for six days because life was so unbearable and anxiety and depression was consuming every fiber of my being. I tried to rescue my estranged husband from killing himself with alcohol, moving him three times, stood by him when he had to have a left leg amputation from a severe fall, managed two households financially, watched my dad slip away in a hospital room, tended to the needs of an aging father-in-law who has no other family and ultimately, like I predicted would become a widow. Yep, talk about being in the dark. Very very dark.
I don't write all that to get sympathy votes. I write so that if somehow someone comes across my blog, they can relate in a small way and maybe glean a bit of hope that there is and will be light again.
Last year, 2017, was much better than I expected. It was not however, without some struggles or even a bit of sadness. I cam say that it was filled with much more love, joy, peace, and reflection. I had the chance of a lifetime and travelled to Paris, France. I will tell you that I'm so in love with everything Paris, especially the Eiffel Tower! Grant & I spent a lot of time at Nashville Shores. He entered the tumultuous teen years on July 1st. We threw a Minnie Mouse 1st birthday party for Punky (I'll tell you who she is in future posts). We took a vacation to Orange Beach, AL with PawPaw and Grammy and Punky..... . .thar was super fun and super stressful. I turned 40 and rented a pontoon boat to cruise around the lake with the people who have stood by me, through the good, the bad, & the ugly! I had to decide to put my father-in-law in a nursing home because he could no longer function without additional help & support. Grant & I went to Orlando and experienced The Wizarding World of Harry Potter and even though I believe he had fun, I realized a lot more how I'm way too old to do that on a singular basis.
The Punky was gone from our family for ninety days and every day I prayed with desperation that God would return her to our little family. On November 6th, a Monday, when I was at Grants band concert, I got the message that the Punkster was coming back ho,e to my mom and us. The last time I think I cried with overwhelming joy was when Grant was born. I solidly remember the expression on Grants face when I told him Pumky was coming home and I have pictures to capture those sweet and precious moments when Punky recognized her "Bubby".
The holidays brought to us the peace, the quiet, and the reminder that love and family is so important and I am so blessed.
So, coming out of the dark has been beyond hard, more challenging and difficult than I ever thought but as 2018 has arrived, I cling to the fact that I see the light, a shimmering spectacle of hope that I will be ok and that the plans I know God has for me are far greater than I could ever hope for.
If you're in the darkness and you feel or think that there will never be light, I need you to know that it's there. Reach out to those who love you the most, when you think you can't return from the darkness, plead to God that you need Him and to reveal to you who will understand. It might even be me because I've been there, I know it and I understand.
Cheers to 2018 and coming out of the dark.
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